#208 - Dungeon Magic: Sword of the Elements

                   Unless you just cast a diarrhea spell on this game, I see no magic here.

 

After Pinocchio gets turned into a real boy, he must slay the townsfolk in order to prove his humanity.


PLAYERS: 1

PUBLISHER: Taito

DEVELOPER: Natsume

GENRE: First-person RPG

RELEASE DATE: July 1990

Dungeon Magic promises so much, based on the name brand of the developer Natsume and the publisher Taito. Both are highly respected by me for several of their franchises, like Harvest Moon and Rune Factory for Natsume and Space Invaders and Operation Wolf for Taito. Natsume's decision to make Dungeon Magic a first-person RPG leaves the game nigh unplayable. The NES can't even begin to handle that perspective and it's disheartening to see developers think they're going to be the ones to pull it off (see also: The Bard's Tale). In Dungeon Magic, I don't know where I am going thanks to the narrow viewmaster of a screen. The game won't load anything until you're almost upon it, which means, you'll be navigating an endless sea of blue until a wall or person or enemy gets in your direct line of sight. When I did manage to get out of the initial town and into a castle, navigating the unwieldy menu system was like jabbing a thousand forks into my shins. Why can't I just run up to a door and have it open for me? Even Enix put their thinking caps on for Dragon Warrior II and eliminated such needlessness. Why do I have to slam into an enemy with my sword, move backwards, then repeat this mechanic? Progress, I see none of you in Dungeon Magic! So while said dungeon's magic might be alluring to my sensibilities and the elemental sword might be plenty powerful, I found zero reason to progress in this broken-down crumbum of a game.

F

#207 - Dudes with Attitude

I trust this cover will be giving me plenty of nightmares in the upcoming holiday season.

One of the earlier levels. The smushy star pieces are actually pieces of pre-chewed gum... ew.


PLAYERS: 1-2 alternating

PUBLISHER: American Video Entertainment

DEVELOPER: American Video Entertainment

GENRE: Arcade

RELEASE DATE: 1990

Far be it from me to think highly of a game named Dudes with Attitude. Before I played it, I wanted to pretend that this game didn't exist and move on. When I first turned on the game, a dark background filled with smiling cartoony yellow heads with dark sunglasses (think Faceball but less pixellated) greeted me. Not only was the game named Dudes with Attitude, the game developers American Video Entertainment were trying to pass off these disembodied creepy heads as dudes?! Sadly, the game is not only playable, but entertaining as well. It's frustrating because I don't want to give the developers any credit. They're obviously trying to pander to the "tubular" culture of the early 90s, but said pander was probably see-through even then. Even reading the name now (let it wash over you... Dudes with Attitude) and knowing the game is decent, still makes me vomit in my mouth a little. Just a little, though.

Dudes with Attitude is, strangely, one of the more interesting puzzle games I've played for the NES. You pick from a plethora of yellow heads and choose your stage and off you go. The goal of each stage is to collect all the differently colored jewels before time runs out. Your head starts off yellow, but as you pass through large colored gems (larger than the jewels), your head changes color to match the color of said gem. Once you're green, you can collect the green jewels, blue with blue jewels, etc. Your head never stops moving horizontally once you start the stage, which adds significantly to the challenge Each level usually has at least one obstacle to get in your way. Two hits and you're dead, although some levels have first aid kit squares which will replenish your health throughout the level, provided you continue hitting them. The thirty-two levels included won't give you sleepless nights like say, Lode Runner, but it will give you an afternoon of puzticular delights. If you can get past the severely outdated and misleading name (doesn't it sound like a beat-em-up where you have to take down all the dudes that run the streets in Anycity U.S.A.?), please play Dudes with Attitude.

B-

#206 - DuckTales 2

Forgive the blurriness. Just imagine you're viewing the cover through Scrooge McDuck's cataract wrapped eyes.

                   When Easter Island heads attack, Scrooge busts out his pogo stick.


PLAYERS: 1

PUBLISHER: Capcom

DEVELOPER: Capcom

GENRE: Platformer

RELEASE DATE: June 1993

The adventures of Scroogibald McDuckleton continue in this much-improved sequel. In 1993, when every other company had become bedfellows with the SNES and the Genesis, Capcom stood by the NES with three final games: Mega Man 6, Chip and Dale Rescue Rangers 2, and DuckTales 2. None of these games were Capcom's finest hour, but DuckTales 2 is probably the only one I'd deem necessary. It improves on the mechanics of the first one, while trimming the fat. Non-linearity? Almost completely gone. Some may cry about that, but the straightforward paths in this game feel right. Scrooge, old man, feels lighter on his feet, and the whole game looks cleaner too. The story is the same "treasure hunt" song-and-dance, but the levels are at least more interesting, and in a platforming game, that's what counts. Like with Chip and Dale 2, DuckTales 2 is definitely a lot easier. There are barely any enemies as you make your way across the stages, and the ones that are there don't put up much of a fight. But if you're going for challenge, you can always begin at the "Difficult" setting and give those nasty gophers and disembodied hands a good backside cane thrashing, eh wot! So yes, I find DuckTales 2 to be webs and bills above the first one. I believe this might annoy some people, as DuckTales 1 is practically NES canon. Then again, hardly anyone's played this sequel. Don't start nothin', won't be nothin'.

B

#205 - DuckTales

                                          Scrooge McDuck: the original gangsta?

                                    His pimp cane will find you. Even on the moon.


PLAYERS: 1

PUBLISHER: Capcom

DEVELOPER: Capcom

GENRE: Platformer

RELEASE DATE: September 1989

I don't know a single Nintendo-raised child that hates on DuckTales or even finds it mediocre. It and its sequel are hailed as simple, classic platformers that also happen to be licensed games. How many times in the history of gaming has that sentence been written? Personally, having revisited it for the first time in years, I'm a little less enthused, but more on me crushing your nostalgic remembrances later.

DuckTales has you playing Scrooge McDuck, the lovable old, miserly uncle of Huey, Dewey, and Louie. You travel across five levels to increase your fortune and encounter random mischief along the way, SUCH AS: child ducknappings, insane gorillas, friggin' annoying ghosts, surprisingly non-linear gameplay. Choose your stage, like in Mega Man? Don't mind if I do, Capcom. Each stage was a unique, exotic locale, like Transylvania, African Mines, or the Moon (?). Scrooge hits enemies by bouncing on them with his cane, which is a little more awesome than it sounds. The cane mechanic controls surprisingly well, although it can be a nuisance when you're in a small space and the only way to kill an enemy is to bounce on them. At least give the option to use a straightforward cane jab, con sarn it! Hit detection was also an issue. If you don't bounce directly on an enemies' head or back, you will get hurt. It takes time and practice to get good and gives the game some replay value if you're looking to perfect it.

                                                           What's going on here?

I acknowledge that DuckTales is a technically excellent game, and that this and other Disney/Capcom collaborations raised the bar for licensed games. For whatever reason, I can't help but feel that the platforming itself is incredibly subpar. I had no desire to continue my quest once I had played through a couple stages. The stages themselves aren't that interesting either, until the later ones like the Himalayas. The hit detection really bothered me, as I didn't remember it being a problem at all years ago. True, there are several different paths one can take to the boss, but if the gameplay isn't that interesting, why bother? I'm truly disappointed that I couldn't find the same joy that I found as a kid in DuckTales. The rose-colored lenses have fallen to the floor, like so many obnoxious Webbigail quotes.

C+

#204 - Duck Hunt

                       Expect some snarkiness from your dog for that missed shot.

                                                               Told ya.

PLAYERS: 1

PUBLISHER: Nintendo

DEVELOPER: Nintendo

GENRE: Zapper

RELEASE DATE: October 1985

Many people remember Duck Hunt as the second game they ever played, after Super Mario Bros. For those that grew up with the combo cartridge, Duck Hunt was seen as the game you played when Super Mario Bros. became too difficult. It introduced the Zapper peripheral which, along with the ROB Robot, started the proud tradition of quirky, but useless Nintendo peripherals (Donkey Konga Bongos anyone?). The game itself inspired all the Cabela's Hunting crap we see today, but Duck Hunt actually contains charm. The duck's expressions when you shoot them are fantastic, as are the flying and falling animations. Who can forget the dog that laughs at you when you miss a shot and the anger you feel when you realize you can't shoot your dog for laughing at you? The clay pigeon mode is more straightforward, but is also more challenging – if you're actually trying to play fair and shoot them from a distance. Despite the game's iconic art style and ability to inspire nostalgic memories in Generation Y, it's very much an early NES game. You can play it for ten minutes and get the full Duck Hunt experience. It's worth revisiting if you want to initiate your own child in the ways of the hunt, or if you yourself need to forget the bleakness of life and become a kid again. Just don't expect to linger here.

C

#203 - Dragon's Lair

Imagine a child, who loved the arcade version, getting this for Christmas. Then imagine the dragon on the cover eating said child.

                                          The first screen. Welcome to your doom.


PLAYERS: 1

PUBLISHER: CSG Imagesoft

DEVELOPER: Elite

GENRE: Platformer

RELEASE DATE: December 1990

Of all the important things I'm thankful for – family, food, friends, a job - I'm also thankful that I have stuck with this quest for as long as I have. Were I a weaker man, I would have turned back several times by now. Today would be a prime example. Dragon's Lair may not be the worst game I've ever played, but its atrocities against humanity certainly propel it into the upper echelon. First off: every child of the 80s and 90s remembers the original Dragon's Lair, right? It was an arcade point-and-click cartoon adventure directed by Don Bluth a.k.a. The "American Tail" guy. It was well-received for its time because no other game resembled it, but the better technology has become, the more obsolete and uninteresting Dragon's Lair has become. Whether you recall Dirk the Dashing's adventures fondly or not, the NES, uh, "adaptation" isn't even worth picking up. I can't recall whether I've ever had a game kill me so much on the first screen (yes, the Angry Video Game Nerd once again gets it right). Instead of a point-and-click adventure, NES Dragon's Lair is a side-scrolling exercise in madness. It begs you to wonder what will and won't kill you. For example, on the first screen, there is a drawbridge that will only open after you kill a dragon that pops out from under the bridge. Should you try and jump into the drawbridge, you will disintegrate into a pile of bones. Yes, wooden doors really are that powerful. Should you trip on the bridge due to a disappearing piece of the bridge, you will once again become a pile of bones. Don't worry, though: bats can hit you over and over, and you're good. In order to kill the dragon, you have to crouch down and throw your weapon before the dragon crouches completely under the bridge. The dragon is so savvy and Dirk's movements are so slow that I couldn't kill the dragon. Thus, I couldn't get past the first screen and my experience with Dragon's Lair came to an end. If a game doesn't want you to play it, I say, why enrage it any further? Who knows what other horrors await me within the actual castle?

F

#202 - Dragon Warrior IV

The final ill-conceived Dragon Warrior cover for the NES. Could Enix and Nintendo have mishandled this awesome series any worse?

                            Why would a fierce warrior wear pink armor? I ask you!!!


PLAYERS: 1

PUBLISHER: Enix America

DEVELOPER: ChunSoft

GENRE: RPG

RELEASE DATE: October 1992

For those NES owners that loved RPGs of any flavor, the Dragon Warrior series must have felt like a Godsend. Where else could you spend tens of hours grinding away and building up your character (s)? Where else could you search for hidden treasure within tucked away caves? Epic quests rarely felt as epic as the Dragon Warriors. RPGs, while not lacking on the NES, didn't have much of a presence until the early 90s and Dragon Warrior is arguably to thank for that, despite the lack of mainstream appeal. Enix released one Dragon Warrior a year from 1989 to 1992, despite the sales declines they saw with each successive game. They must have hoped that each entry would win the heart of the mainstream gamer, much like the original Legend of Zelda had twenty-five years ago. It's a shame, then, that Dragon Warrior 4 was released in 1992, when many players (myself included) had moved on to the 16-bit pastures of the Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis. Dragon Warrior 4 is a fresh start to the series, and had it been marketed properly, could have lured gamers away from Final Fantasy II.

The heart of Dragon Warrior 4 is its story. No other Dragon Warrior had made story such a key element to the game, and while none of the previous entries really suffered for it, Enix made the right decision to go gung-ho with this one. The game is divided into five different chapters. With each chapter, you control a different character, each with a different set of skills than the previous. The following are not spoilers, as you can find summaries of these characters within the manual of the game.

Chapter 1: You control Ragnar the warrior, who's put in charge of rescuing some missing children. Along the way, you meet Healie, a healslime that has a strange yearning to be human. He joins your party, and thus begins the longstanding Dragon Quest tradition of having monsters join your party.

Chapter 2: Alena is a princess who longs to be free of her castle and have adventures. She escapes from her bedroom and is joined by her two guardians, Cristo (?!) and Brey.

Chapter 3: Torneko Taloon is a merchant who wants to found his own shop. He abandons his family and heads to the Big City, where he hopes to find fame and fortune. Interestingly, Torneko is a weak character so it would be prudent not to engage in many fights. He can hire mercenaries to protect him, though. While he is a pseudo-joke character, he is charming, and his chapter defies RPG conventions even today.

Chapter 4: Mona and Nara are magic-using sisters who are trying to avenge their father's murderer. They are joined by the warrior Orin.

Chapter 5: Finally, after many hours of playing as other admittedly cool characters, Chapter 5 sees you playing the Hero. After the Hero's village is destroyed by monsters, his powers are revealed to him, thus sending him on a quest to rid the world of the evil Necrosaro. Along his way, he encounters all of the previous characters and they join forces to destroy Necrosaro for good.

For a series that began with the simplest of stories – go kill the evil Dragonlord – it's astonishing that Enix was able to craft such a multi-faceted tale, and bring the characters together so wonderfully. As expected, the gameplay basically remains the same, though with a couple new interesting additions, like casinos and the ability to save your game at churches. You can also search for Medals in the world and trade them in to get stronger, rarer weapons. Little perks like this add beef to an already meaty and expansive game.

Dragon Warrior IV remains an expensive and sought after purchase for the NES. Thankfully, about three years back, Square Enix ported it over to the DS with better graphics and an additional chapter focusing on the villain. The DS version will only set you back twenty bucks or so on Amazon, while the NES version costs about forty to fifty dollars. If you've held out from the Dragon Warrior/Quest series because of the extensive grinding, you have no excuse with this entry. While there are still random battles and some grinding, the story more than makes up for any tedium you would experience. Dragon Warrior IV is truly a one-of-a-kind cinematic experience for your NES.

A+

                                      A Dragon Warrior medley for your ears

#201 - Dragon Warrior III

            Look at all that loot! Incidentally, the game itself is worth a pretty penny now.

                                                  Where'd my other members go?


PLAYERS: 1

PUBLISHER: Enix America

DEVELOPER: ChunSoft

GENRE: RPG

RELEASE DATE: March 1992

Dragon Warrior III is the last entry in the so-called "Erdrick" trilogy, and it is by far the best and most essential Dragon Warrior yet (until the fourth one). As I've repeated ad nauseum, what I appreciate most about the Dragon Warrior games are their consistency and their willingness to take on only one or two new features at a time and do them really well, instead of changing the series structure time and time again with mixed results. Dragon Warrior III adheres to that formula by adding classes such as fighters, soldiers (warriors), pilgrims (healers), wizards (mages), among others (including a "goof-off" class, if you're feeling lucky). Interestingly, once one of your secondary party members hits level 20, you have the option to change classes. This knocks them down to level 1, but they retain their skills and stats learned in their previous class. You could make supermen with the crippling attacks of a soldier and the spells of a wizard. It's a neat twist and gives you a reason to grind some more (as if you needed any). Sick of having half your gold taken away if you die in battle, like in the first two Dragon Warriors? Store some of it in a bank. Little touches like that pepper the game and acknowledge the few grievances from the previous entries. I could go on: the day/night cycle when you're out on the battlefield is really cool, as are the story's links to the original Dragon Warrior. Since thie game came out towards the end of the NES' lifecycle, it's rare and hard to find. I recommend tracking down the Game Boy Color remake, as it adds some new features and just looks better. Either way, if you're an old-school RPG fan, make sure to put Dragon Warrior III in your itinerary.

A

#200 - Dragon Warrior II

It's amusing that Enix would put such ridiculous American box art on a blatantly Japanese RPG.

This is not my screenshot. I would never name a character "Tali." (thanks to vgmuseum.com for the screenshot!)


PLAYERS: 1

PUBLISHER: Enix America

DEVELOPER: ChunSoft

GENRE: RPG

RELEASE DATE: September 1990

One reason I appreciate the Dragon Quest/Warrior series more than the Final Fantasy series is the consistency of the games. Each Dragon Quest contains the same type of gameplay and mechanics, albeit refined for each new addition. Even when they add new elements to the series, like the trading system from Dragon Quest IX, the game never feels like a completely new beast.

That being said, if you were not a fan of the first Dragon Warrior due to the ridiculous amount of grinding, you might find Dragon Warrior II to be more to your liking. While there is still grinding (it's an RPG on the NES, for cryin'), the whole affair feels a lot less tedious. You acquire two additional party members, which makes for a less lonely journey. The basic principles of the first Dragon Warrior have been brought over: fight, level up, buy better weapons and armor, move to different towns, etc. But the graphics are more colorful, the story more cinematic (you play as the ancestor of the warrior Erdrick from the first game), and, most importantly, the fighting is a lot more enjoyable. The one negative I could give this game isn't really the game's fault at all. Nintendo was too darn slow in bringing it out to America. Within a year of this game's release, Final Fantasy II (one of the few entries worth playing) was already blowing minds on the Super Nintendo with its Mode 7 graphics and such. Still, like an old, but comfortable hat, Dragon Warrior II may not be pretty, but it has plenty of well-worn charm.

A-

#199 - Dragon Warrior

                            Before Skyrim, Dragon Warrior was as big as they came.

Who would have thought the Slimes would become ubiquitous with Dragon Warrior/Quest?


PLAYERS: 1

PUBLISHER: Nintendo

DEVELOPER: ChunSoft

GENRE: RPG

RELEASE DATE: August 1989


The name Dragon Warrior carries very little cachet with anyone other than Americans who grew up playing RPGs on the NES. The name Dragon Quest is known by every Japanese man, woman, and child. Yet, both are one and the same series. In Japan, Dragon Quest is beloved by all for its tried-and-true game mechanics, wonderful character designs by Akira Toriyama, and charming stories by series creator Yuji Horii. In America, the Dragon Warriors were generally seen as paltry substitutes to the real RPG series, Final Fantasy. This is a shame. Although the graphics and mechanics were viewed as outdated even in 1989 when the game was released, there is a quaint charm to the game's simplicity that I find far more unique and entertaining than Final Fantasy's constant reinventions.

There's very little to explain about Dragon Warrior: You're a hero given the task of defeating the Dragonlord and saving the princess. You grind and grind and grind some more until you have the strength to face the Dragonlord and verily beat him unto death. Thankfully, the battle interface is surprisingly smooth. The randomness of the battles, while relatively annoying by today's standards, were common back then. For those that have not attempted this magnanimous quest, I have included a journal below of my most recent exploits within the game. It's been at least ten years since I last played it, though, so please be merciful in your judgments of my playthrough...

5 minutes: Comstock is my hero's name. Not sure what it means, but it just came to me and it fit perfectly. The king's giving me a speech about who I am and what my mission is: save the princess and kill the bad guy? I'm only one man, king! He sure does like to ramble and use ye olde Englysh. Why is there a separate menu option to open a door or use the stairs? This isn't a computer RPG, Enix. Get with the mid-Eighties console scene. The graphics are horrendous, but charming in a squatty, pixellated way. Why are there no shops or anything in the main town? I have 120 gold and I'm looking to spend, spend, spend. Guess I'll try and find some shoppes in a different town.

10 minutes: Good thing the town Brecconary is right next door. Maybe they'll have some good items. Well... with my 120 gold, I can either purchase leather armor or a club, but not both. If I had 10 more gold, I could have both, which means I need to do some fighting. Enemies always have gold because they like to loot the corpses of already vanquished warriors; bastards.

20 minutes: Well, I bit off more than I could chew. After fighting my fair share of Slimes (and conquering them, like a boss), a Drakee came along and plowed me to "Thou Art Dead" status. To be fair, the Slimes hardly took off any damage or they would just biff their attacks completely. I assumed I could handle my Drakee and get my new club. Alas, since I died, half my gold has been taken as penalty. Now I have to grind even more, DAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! WHY AM I SO WEAK, WHY DO I ONLY HAVE 15 HIT POINTS TO START, WHAT KIND OF A WARRIOR AM I!

30 minutes: Apparently I suck at playing Dragon Warrior. It would seem that a weapon should have been my first purchase. Comstock can't hit the broad side of a slime to save his life. How can I miss all these attacks??? Why did I pick the wrong piece of hardware to purchase first? Oh wait, I know: I should have purchased the game back in 1989, as it came with a mini-strategy guide to help stupid Americans like myself. It's time to start over and buy a club. Hopefully it will guide my blows square and true.

50 minutes: This game is brutal. I started over (with the name Blahilk – sorry, Comstock) and bought the club first, which definitely helps to hit enemies. Unfortunately, because of your low hit points, it doesn't take more than two or three battles before you need to go drop six gold at the inn to replenish your health. What this amounts to: more grinding. In order to buy more equipment, you need more gold, which means you need to fight. In order to continue fighting and not lose half your gold should you die, you need to sleep and regain your health at the inn, which costs six gold. It's a vicious, brutal cycle that will require hours of steadfast perseverance. Hours that, at this moment, I do not have to spare.

Accepting an antiquated form of what we call an RPG is essential to enjoying this game. I personally have a fondness in my heart for the original Dragon Warrior, outdated though it may be. There's something about grinding in the open fields that brings me back to a simpler time. I won't say it's for everyone, especially more impatient gamers. I would actually recommend the Game Boy Color remake Dragon Warrior 1+II if you wanted to delve deep into the game, as it updates the graphics and makes the battles faster. If you're a die-hard NES junkie and you haven't explored one of the most influential RPGs of our time, you're doing yourself a disservice. Drop a dollar (seriously) and buy this landmark game.

A-

#198 - Dragon Spirit: The New Legend

                                                   The game's good, I swear!

                       Namco went for a more "blue raspberry" dragon in this game.


PLAYERS: 1

PUBLISHER: Bandai

DEVELOPER: Namco

GENRE: Shoot-em-up

RELEASE DATE: June 1990

Dragon Spirit begins simply, brilliantly. In three lines or so, you're informed that a warrior named Amru, who can turn into a blue dragon, is off to beat the evil warlord Zawel. You're then thrust into a vertically scrolling shooter, with you controlling the blue dragon. After some brief skirmishes, you fight Zawel and destroy him. More cinematics inform you that Amru settles down and has a wife and twins. Amru dies suddenly, while one of the twins – the female, of course – is captured by the new evil entity of the land. It's up to Amru's son, Lace, to take up his father's sword – thus transforming into the dragon - save his sister and destroy the new evil that has arisen. Then the title screen appears, informing you that, yes, what you just played/watched wasn't the game: it was a prologue. Why is this important? It may be the first and only appearance of a prologue in the entire library of NES games. I was shocked to learn that the character Amru, who I assumed I'd be playing with through the entire game, died mere moments after destroying an albeit easy boss. We expect high-quality stories from the majority of games we play today, but all we expected from an NES game was good fundamentals, with a fragment of a story to keep us moving. Dragon Spirit, along with Ninja Gaiden, began to herald a new wave of storytelling in console games, whether the developers (Namco and Tecmo, respectively) knew it or not.

As a shooter, Dragon Spirit stands the test of time. "A" controls your main shooter, while "B" controls your ground-level bombs. Enemies will come at you from both the air and the ground equally, so it's essential to get the hang of both attacks. Power-ups are plentiful and unique. My personal favorite was the White Dragon, where your character sprouts two other heads that spit out two shots instead of one. Each level takes place around a nature setting, whether it be atop a volcano, amidst an iceberg, or just among the green plains. It's a nice change of pace from shooting aliens in space. The dragon controls are smooth, thankfully, and he moves as quickly as you think he should. Fans of vertical shooters should definitely look into this forgotten gem, and if you're not a fan but are looking to get into the shooter genre, Dragon Spirit is a good entry point. It has the challenge to keep you going, but not enough to overwhelm you.

B+

#197 - Dragon Power

                                                This is the American cover...

                                                 This is the Japanese cover...

       
                       This is a mid-boss battle. I wish the game were as fun as it looks.


PLAYERS: 1

PUBLISHER: Bandai

DEVELOPER: TOSE

GENRE: Action

RELEASE DATE: March 1988

Don't let the name Dragon Power fool you: this game is based on the original "Dragon Ball" manga. Finding out the latter fact doesn't do the game any favors, though. While I admire the quirky Japanese feel of the game, the actual gameplay is rough and tumble. You play as Goku, the beloved main character from "Dragon Ball" and your goal is to hit everything in sight, either with your fists or a Power Pole. The game has a top-down view, so while your progression isn't strictly side-scrolling, it's still linear. Most of the enemies are slow and can be felled easily, but always watch your health or POW meter. It's constantly decreasing, for one thing, but the hit detection can be terrible, especially when fighting enemies with swords or other long-reaching weapons. One life, just like Dragon Fighter means you'll be paying your dues and starting from Level 1, no matter how far you've gotten. Besides the supposedly authentic "Dragon Ball" flavor of the game (several of the characters' names have been changed), there's not much to recommend here. If the game didn't have such poor hit detection, I'd say it could get by on charm and name value alone. I personally didn't have the patience to suffer beating after beating nor did I care enough about "Dragon Ball" to power through Dragon Power. Worth it only for dedicated fans.

C-

#196 - Dragon Fighter

Somebody made this cover and thought, "Yes, this will draw in all the 10-14-year-old males."

                                 The bosses are pretty awesome in this game.


PLAYERS: 1

PUBLISHER: Sofel

DEVELOPER: Natsume

GENRE: Platformer

RELEASE DATE: January 1992

No game wants to be saddled with the name Dragon Fighter. It sounds like a cheap Street Fighter II knock-off or an early 90s television show a la "Beast Master." Either way, it's a terribly bland name. Thankfully, Dragon Fighter surprises with its solid combat, fantastic graphics, and derivative, yet enjoyable music. There's nothing in Dragon Fighter that hasn't been done better in other games, but it's still worthy of a playthrough. The gameplay is vaguely Ninja Gaiden-esque with a hint of Mega Man sans blaster. You play as a shapeshifter, a dragon/man hybrid. In your human form, you slash at any and all things with your trusty rapier, but jump up and tap 'A' twice and you become a dragon. Your dragon form is powered up by killing lots of enemies. Don't worry: enemies are plentiful and will fling themselves at you. It can get a bit overwhelming at times, but many of the enemies can be avoided if need be. Once you're in your dragon form, the game becomes a horizontal shooter, albeit a slow one. Personally, I avoided turning into a dragon until the boss battles. The game functions perfectly well as a side-scroller, and shapeshifting while trying to fend off several enemies at a time often hampered the experience. Dragon Fighter is a one-life-and-that's-it type of game, but there are codes to boost your health and I highly recommend them. Dragon Fighter doesn't surprise in any way and sometimes feels like an amalgam of your favorite NES side-scrollers, but when a game gets all the fundamentals right, it feels petty to complain.

B

#195 - Dr. Mario

          The cure for what? Ugly buck-toothed, shrimp-eating, multi-colored gnomes?

                                                Is that supposed to be Ridley?


 PLAYERS: 1-2 simultaneous

PUBLISHER: Nintendo

DEVELOPER: Nintendo

GENRE: "Puzzle"

RELEASE DATE: October 1990

Is Dr. Mario a puzzle game, as we think of puzzle games today? Think about that question, but first, a memory. I rented Dr. Mario when I was five or six because, well, Mario was on the cover. And he was wearing a doctor's coat! When did he have time to get his Ph.D in between Super Mario Bros 1, 2, and 3? The guy's a dynamo! Anyway, Tetris had been out for a year or so, and everyone and their moms (literally) had already played it and played it and played it. Playing Dr. Mario, my five-to-six-year-old mind comprehended that, because there were objects falling from the sky a la Tetris, then Dr. Mario must be a puzzle game because Tetris was my only frame of reference as to what a puzzle game was. In Tetris, one must handle the differently-shaped blocks that fall from the sky. Re-arrange them so that they disappear, and after every tenth line, you will progress to a new level and the blocks will drop more quickly. Dr. Mario's main screen is set up similarly to Tetris, but instead of blocks, you must utilize red, blue, and yellow pills (or a combination thereof) to eliminate the similarly colored viruses on screen. Once you eliminate them all, each passing level contains more viruses for you to deal with. The "puzzle" element comes in recognizing what colored pill needs to go over what virus as quickly as possible. You have to have insane reflexes and scan the screen quickly, before Mario – ahem, excuse me – Dr. Mario starts hucking pills like a madman, if you hope to progress beyond the first few levels. It's difficult, sure, but is it a puzzle game? Consider all the puzzle games you know. Most of them require a combination of strategy, quick thinking, and sometimes, fast reflexes. In Dr. Mario, you only need fast reflexes. Quick thinking and strategy do not play into the game. I'm open to debate, and in fact, would love some. Leave a comment!

I wish Dr. Mario were more interesting, but I can't seem to love the little guy. The game entranced me when I was a kid, but recent play sessions have left me cold. Head-to-head is still fun, especially on later versions. The good doctor will always live on in my nostalgic dreams, but in 2011, he's just an average Joe.

C

#194 - Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

                                                    Ah, the late 80s...

                                              A vigorous constitutional, you will take.

PLAYERS: 1

PUBLISHER: Bandai

DEVELOPER: Advance Communication Company

GENRE: It's somethin'

RELEASE DATE: April 1989

What a horrible night to have a curse, indeed. I'm not sure whether to call this game an abominable pile of excrement, a meditation on the torment in controlling one's dual nature, or an insight into the hypocrisy of the wealthy and powerful. Perhaps it's all of the above, but let's not draw conclusions just yet. What say we begin in reverse order, eh wot! To the parlor room for a cigar and some brandy!

Insight into Hypocrisy: Dr. Jekyll's goal for the afternoon is to take his daily constitutional through the town, the cemetery, the park, and the street. He has his humble walking cane about him and he can jab it at people and animals, but he doesn't wish to bring harm upon anyone, so he keeps it by his side. However, the townsfolk, who are all very well-to-do, wish to do harm to Jekyll and enrage him, so that he will turn into Mr. Hyde. Case in point: the gentleman with the top hat - who may or may not be a Bolshevik revolutionary disguised as a dignitary – leaving bombs next to the good doctor. He does it over and over again, and yet, does anyone enforce the law in the town? Supposedly decent women ensconced in ruffles and topped off with a parasol snicker and pass the doctor while the offense is occurring, as if nothing is happening. Should Jekyll decide to raise his cane and defend himself, he should suffer the consequences and slowly turn into Mr. Hyde. Fair? Reasonable? Impropriety, as my shirt is stuffed!

Meditation in Dual Nature Control and All That

There comes a point during Dr. Jekyll's engagement with the cobblestone where the enemies simply disappear. The young rapscallions that were shooting rocks at him cease their war cries. Dogs decide he isn't worth the effort to bite. Crows realize there are other places to defecate than on a man's head. Then, and only then, is Dr. Jekyll's walk a tranquil one. He is free to take in the surprisingly detailed backgrounds of the town where he has lived and practiced "medicine" for the past twenty-five years; a town where, until recently, he believed he had friends. Yes, the backgrounds of the town and the cemetery are varied and colorful, and when taken as a simple visual construct, are impressive. Having this spare time also allows you to reflect on your unfortunate nature. Perhaps the townspeople know of your fate and are trying to destroy you in a very public and boorish spectacle. However, that wouldn't be very proper. How best to fix your untimely and ill-begotten curse? Once you begin to devise a plan, your walk will be interrupted. The Bolsheviks never hold back their bombs for long.

Is This Pile of Confusion Really Supposed to be a Game?

You don't actually do anything in Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. You don't have an attack, you just avoid everything. Getting hit by a bomb is the worst because it will automatically reduce you to Hyde status. Once in Hyde status, the scenic world as you know changes into an obscene hellhole. The Snooty McSnootersteins are revealed for the misshapen ghouls they really were, but hey, you can punch them now without fear of reprisal. Once you progress to the place you were as Jekyll as Hyde, the game ends and Hyde collapses on the ground, dead. What?! I wanted to play a game, not input a bunch of my own useless subtext. Still, the fact that I inferred all of that tripe is kind of impressive. I also admire the chutzpah this game has, where the goal is to do absolutely nothing across six demented stages. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde might be one of the the lamest, most useless games ever created, but it got me thinking and wondering and questioning. Much like the game's namesake(s), I'm conflicted.

B-

#193 - Dr. Chaos

                        I wanted to rent this game as a child. I'm glad I didn't.

This is the side-scrolling portion of Dr. Chaos. I would have liked a little more yellow diarrhea color in the game, to be honest.


PLAYERS: 1

PUBLISHER: FCI

DEVELOPER: Marionette

GENRE: Adventure/Platformer

RELEASE DATE: November 1988

Dr. Chaos, you stand charged with confusing/boring the hell out of the good gamers who have tried to play your game. What say you?! I know what I say: Dr. Chaos tries desperately to be a hybrid of a side-scrolling action game and a first-person adventure, but like so many "experiments" on the NES in the late '80s, it ends up exploding in one's face. You, as an 8-bit Bob Saget, are thrust outside of a mansion with bats, rodents, and other miscellaneous vermin to stab. Once you enter one of the several doors outside the mansion, the perspective switches to first-person. From here, you collect handgun bullets, grenades, health, and... that's it, I guess? All you do are open doors, windows, cabinets and collect things. The interface can be confusing. You can move north, south, east or west in any of the doors you enter, but in order to do so, you have to move the hand cursor all the way to the left or right of the screen. There doesn't seem to be any pattern or reason to these areas. Collect what you can, then make it outside, but there's nothing to do outside either. Am I saying that Dr. Chaos is a completely pointless game? No, because perhaps in one's hours-long progress with the game, something could very well happen. In my relatively brief playthrough, however, nothing did.

D